Today the love is overwhelming, and I have to write it down.
She sleeps beside me and I hear her kitten-like purr. She reaches for me in her sleep, and my hand without consciousness meets hers. Our love is so deep and so indescribable. I feel her in every cell of my being.
Just as I did with her brothers, but in case I haven't written it here before, I want to document this for their future. For all of us, for them to read one day and for them to know that I felt it. I felt what they feel for their babies. I felt it in them.
It's true,when you grow and birth a child, your heart forever lives outside of your body.
She looks a certain way and she captures my breath. I watch her, study her in awe, all in just a moment, and my heart completely overflows. I'm besotted with her, still. Her beauty, her perfectness, the way her hair tangles in the early morning, her sweet voice, her mind, the way she plays or sings along to a TV show or tells a story.
She feels closeness and connection when she buries her face into the nook of my neck. Is it the sound of my heartbeat, the feel of my breathe, the touch of my skin? I'm not sure. But when she nuzzles in there, she purrs and sighs. It's like home to her. She's done this since the minute she was born and placed on my chest all sticky and warm, she went straight to that spot and buried in.
This love, this closeness is like nothing else.
For all the drama and tantrums and plain shit hard days, this gentle togetherness blows all of it away! Every morning I feel this little being, she is a part of me. She wakes and kisses my face with those soft sweet lips. She sighs a contented sigh and says "I love you so much my mumma". She shrinks into me, kneads my skin with her chubby fingers, sometimes an irresistible pinch, breathing deeply and with such comfort of being.
You know, if she hits the wrong spot or pinches too sharp I growl at her in my sleep haze, and she moves almost expectantly. But she can't help it, she has to do it. If she could crawl right back inside of me she would. It's a closeness that can't be described, that mother child bond.
I wonder when it is that this feeling of being a part of you subsides. I wonder when it is that they begin to feel secure and independent of you. I don't remember for sure.
What I know is that those are connections and feelings I had with all four of my babies until they grew to have this Independence. I know too, that it's because of such bonds that they are able to fall into my arms in times of happiness or despair. It's the reason they creep up and hug me at random, tell me they love how I cook a meal, or thank me for some seemingly insignificant thing. It's also the reason they can completely loose their temper over incidents totally separate from us, say nasty things, be hurtful and cruel and just plain horrid! It's because they can. Because I am their safe place.
I want to capture their every idea, the sound of their voices, the way they wear their socks or dressing gown or comb their hair. I want to remember the way they play and love and laugh, or spend forever too long in the bathroom. I'm certain the way they fight will be embedded into our minds for our lifetime, but these moments and feelings are so enormous and so very precious.
Like they say, "the days are long but the years are short".
Oh Lordy! I surrender to all the moments. All the insignificant conversations, comments, quirky ways, hugs, fights and endless loves. I wholeheartedly embrace this role as mother. The good, the bad and the terrifying!
All I ever wanted was to be this, what I am right now. Their Mum, and I am blessed. I just hope and pray I can deliver, but I have a pretty fabulous wingman in my beautiful husband. Actually, I might be the wingman. Either way, we have it made with all this love.